“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”

Each time I read this quote from Oscar Wilde, I have to chuckle a little more at it's honesty. I can't count how many times I've compared myself to other women whom I know, and even more pointlessly, to those I don't know. So many times I end up falsely labeling myself as "not as good as" or with a mistaken sense of superiority thinking I'm "better as",  as in, "At least my house is cleaner, ...my kids are better, ...my marriage is closer," etc.. (C'mon, isn't that why there's such success in Reality T.V? We all like to seek out reassurance that we have it all together---at least more than _________.) 

This works fine, until we come across someone else whom we seriously consider must be doing a better job than we are because, to use the above examples, her house seems cleaner, her kids happier, her marriage problem-free...blah-blah-blah.

What a crock.

Yep. That's what I meant.

The fact is, any moment in time is just that. Life is fluid, so are people. Therefore, one minute things may be coming up roses for someone and maybe their home is more organized, maybe they are enjoying a time of peace with their kids, and maybe they've achieved a place of security in their marriage! At least, for right now. Current success does not secure a problem-free future. Not that we'd ever want to glory in someone's disappointment, but this is life, folks, and it applies to all of us! Rain falls on all of us.

However, just as their success doesn't necessarily proclaim their prowess, nor does it magnify our weaknessess. Unless we let it.

There is such peace in living a transparent life; not trying to assume a persona that attempts to convince others we have it all together. Whether we are at a rare place where it all just seems to flow right, or whether we are in times of turbulence, not only is it peaceful to just "be" where we're at, but also to know other women in our lives are not assigning judgment to where they see us at.

How would the culture of women change if we all attempted to connect to the soul of other women; the internal workings that we all have in common; the basic needs of humanity we all share? In other words, giving each other the benefit of the doubt; the gift of grace over the gavel of judgement.

This, of course, can only begin when we break that chain and stop assigning judgement to their lives. To rephrase; if there's to be change, let it begin with me.

I am blessed for knowing a core of women who share this philosophy of grace vs judgement. What a blessing they are because it allows us the freedom to be ourselves.

And incredibly, how ironic it is that often in the freedom of being ourselves, we actually do begin a process of improvement; becoming more self confident, more positive, more industrious. These traits do influence other positive situations in our lives.

Blessings in this New Year. May it bring us all closer to the person God has in mind.
TB

To give and take....for granted.

Thefreedictionary.com:

"take for granted

1. To consider as true, real, or forthcoming; anticipate correctly.

2. To underestimate the value of: "

Motherhood is not for sissies.

There is a gift of motherhood of which I was not aware. I had no idea just how sacrificial this gift of love could become, and pray I do not experience it in its fullest when my kids grow into adults. The gift of having a mother who is true, real,...forthcoming", and one who can be "anticipate[d] correctly "(in other words, relied upon) is truly a gift. By definition, it is a gift to the receiver,  but comes at a cost to the giver in the form of becoming underestimated and undervalued.

A small child often takes for granted the one relationship they can rely on the most; naturally (if the parents have done it right) it is because it feels the safest. However, how often does this gift of love get rewrapped and gifted back in a package of  resentment, criticism, and even blame?

I've seen this in the example of a divorce. I have seen it where the mother stands by her kids, raising them, making sure their needs were met, seeing them well into their adults years; while the father, who practically abandoned the family, makes contact only on brief instances throughout their lives. Astonishingly, whenever there's  a fuss to be made, it is usually laying blame on what the mom did, said, didn't do, didn't say, etc. Oddly, even after years, no blame is identified as the father's. I find this peculiar and, quite honestly, an elephant in the room which dare not be identified lest the receiver scoff and bristle at such an intrusive observation.

I have two teenagers. We are now beginning to sail into the murkier waters of disagreements between an adult who's 'been there' and a teenager who things they know better. I am also sandwiched between this reality of mine and the reality of some mothers who have gone before me who experienced the situation mentioned above. Although, thankfully, not divorced, I am painfully aware there will be battles along the way that could somehow entrench a belief or judgment into my kids about me whose resentment I may never shake. Wrong or not, perception is someone's reality. The fear of estrangement- from a misaligned and even ignorant comment which could forever mar our relationship due to resentment- kills me. I know this reality lives because I've witnessed it. I am just now beginning to understand that selfless gift of love. I could potentially raise two children, who at some time make a decision that I am to blame for some unfortunate view...or turn..or perception in their lives, and thereby reason that by emotionally distancing themselves from me, it will solve their problems. That loss is so unfortunate, so misplaced, yet so real.

To be taken for granted means the person who was true, real, forthcoming and reliable is at the same time losing their value. The gift is the ability to rely on someone so much that you live your life not even realizing what all they've contributed so you can do so. It is like a young child who does not need to worry about their next meal or if someone will meet their needy cry. They become so trusting to it that the possibility of it not being there is never entertained. The gift of reliability doesn't end at childhood, however. The giver is still just as focused on that gift in later years as in the early ones.

It is an amazing gift to love so much that you make yourself vulnerable  to becoming "Taken for Granted"

~TB 

More deadheading

I love spring in Texas. However, if it weren't for the fact that each Texas spring didn't somehow make me feel we were getting preferential treatment compared to our northern friends, I'd be dreading the quick approach of those really hot Texas summers. But for now, I, like my flowers, begin to unfold in the gentle warmth of the sun.

Spring is not only a time for new growth, new possibilities, new potential, but also a time for serious spring cleaning. I get the "urge to purge" my clutter, my junk, and sometimes my ways of thinking. This is what I think about while making my way from one plant to the other; dead-heading as I go. I enjoy this process; cleaning out the blossoms that are faded, or shriveled, or cripsy-brown and obviously dead. I think what I love most is anticipating the beauty of the plant when it regenerates itself into more blossoms, replacing what didn't flourish with what does.

So, all of this reminds me of a conversation I had with my teenage son recently. Although I am thinking flowers, he was talking relationships; and yet on this these two topics meet. We have a lot of clutter in our lives. Much of this clutter is actions things; things we should have done and didn't, or shouldn't do, and did. But some of this clutter resembles relationships in our lives. Not to reduce people to clutter, that is the farthest from my point, but let's be honest, sometimes it's relationships and personalities that aren't healthy for us, nor us for them, and these less-than-flourishing relationships could use a good deadheading so other relationships can flourish. We have a finite amount of time and space in our lives. It is unrealistic to entertain an idea that we can be friends with everyone in such a way that we help eachother grow. It take time and effort to grow anything, including relationships. If we think we can devote our time and attention to everyone equally in our lives, we need to remove those rose-tinted glasses and see life in the bright contrast of reality. Some relationships are not healthy, especially when, despite the one person trying to help, the other refuses to see the light. I see frustration played out in the lives of teenagers as well as in grown women. Sometimes we've got to know when it is time to part ways. That doesn't mean we don't care, it just means room must be made for other relationships to flourish. Sometimes a different gardner is needed to continue the pruning, and our job is to accept we are not Him.

MORE

more = adj. greater; further; additional. adv. To a greater extent or degree; further.

While the world is touting "less is more", or implying that life is good, "more or less", I begin to say....well, I want more. But I'm not talking reality-tv-I-want-more (money, fame, power, success...), I'm talking more life in my life. And I'm not the only woman who feels this way (read: there's many more of you out there nodding your heads in agreement!)

Unfortunately, "more" has become synonymous with greedy. If I'm greedy for wanting a life of more, so be it; I'm greedy. But I'll venture that in my greed for more, my husband, my kids, and those whom I care about will benefit from my "more", because how much easier it is to share when there's plenty!  The world of "more" is opening my eyes, and maybe it will yours, too. Before you go thinking limits on "more", realize it is a much larger subject than confined by how our society displays it. "More" expands the possibilities of people individually and globally. It can redefine outcomes of situations that are dire to situations celebratory; it defines a life lived full, and a life like that touches more benefits others in ways we could never tally.

If you are nodding with agreement, all the while looking guiltily at your feet, let me expound a bit on this concept of more. In the book of John 10:10, in the Bible (close to the back for all of you who are where I used to be--clueless on these things), Jesus says this: "A thief comes only to steal and to kill and to destroy, I have come so that they may have life and have it in abundance." (HCSB translation) Some other translations say, "...to have life, and have it to the full". (NIV) The word abundance (and concept of "to the full") at first blush in our English transcription may not send a thrill, necessarily. But let the original Greek context be entertained: perissos (per-is-sos'), as described in The New Strong's Expanded Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible, describes perissos "in the sense of beyond; superabundant (in quantity) or superior (in quality); by impl. excessive;" and in the case of John 10:10, particularly, is meant as "more abundantly”. Can you imagine that? As if all the descriptions of perissos isn't incredible in its own right, a "more" is added. That, my friends, is how we are to have life. So don't apologetically mumble that you want "more" in your life. With head held high shout it out! Let's try it together, "I want "MORE" life!" There. Now we are fellow sojourners on discovering a life of more. Welcome.

So, while my feet still touch this earth, I'd like to take Jesus up on His offer of providing me a more abundant life. With God's help,
I plan to deliberately live a "greater" life, to push myself "further", to add experiences and joys in "addition" to life currently; and to live my years to a "greater extent or degree" discovering "more". 

Until next time!