I find it aggravating that I can’t seem to cross particular finish lines in my life. Myself as judge, I can’t seem to “arrive” at the winner’s circle of wife, mother, daughter, size 8, fulfilled career, organized home, organized family. Once, my eldest son was winning a relay race. He was so far ahead of his competitors that he was practically running alone. However, about 30 feet from the finish line, he jogged off the field. The people in the stands grew quiet trying to figure out why, he wasn’t injured, no signs of distress. Then, we realized he mistook a line on the track as the finish line and thought he was done. We began yelling “Get back on!” and waving our hands as if we could scoot him back on the field, encouraging him to continue. Thankfully, he realized what happened and hopped back on to finally cross the finish line.

Unlike the fixed finish line my son was running towards, I often feel mine keep moving away from me. Sometimes I get so discouraged I’d like to just trot off the field and call it done. However, God continues to encourage me forward. If I had a say in the matter, I’d be for crossing those winning lines as soon as possible so as to enjoy the benefits of the winner’s circle with no further delay!  So, in other words, I am all about the destination and less about the race.  Strangely, God is all about the race.

All my logic knows I will never cross the finish line exactly when and how I’d like to. Unfortunately, it’s that combination of destination and judgment where my thoughts tend to camp throughout the day. Of course, that’s the same place where insecurity resides, and I hate to admit it, but I spend far too many minutes of the day thinking about it. I seem to be in a race with myself.

Running a long race takes patience and perseverance. Unfortunately, when those traits were being passed out in heaven, I probably grew impatient with the line and decided to not persevere…

If learning patience and perseverance are God-delivered test (which, I fear they are), I also fear He keeps retesting while I continue failing. And, I can’t deny I contemplate with alarm He may have to continue to test me until …oh, dear, I don’t know when. This may be one of those life lessons that I learn by painfully small increments; progress will be measured in centimeters.

For a long time I considered the last testing of Jesus as described in Matthew 4 all about greed, but I realize now—my take on it, anyway—is it’s all about patience and perseverance. The devil offered him all splendors in all the lands, provided he’d switch his allegiance. The more I camp on this test, the more I disagree with my former assumption. I used to dismiss it to thinking the devil really didn’t understand Jesus like the rest of us did if he thought appealing to his greedy side for self-gain would be productive. The Jesus we know in the bible is never described as a person who could be bought with silver and gold. But maybe, it wasn’t that for which He was being tested. Maybe, it was patience and perseverance.

If you, say, loved people so much that you cried their tears, experienced their pain, provided healing miracles for those  who sought you out, wouldn’t it be much more a temptation if you could gain power NOW, resources NOW, access NOW to all those whom you could help? Could the thought of, “Imagine all those I could help right now if I simply claimed my Godhood?” cause you to pause? Jesus could have whatever he wanted and he didn’t need to worship the devil for it. Jesus could have chosen then and there to draw his own finish line and thereby administering help to the needy --and avoiding personal torture and death by achieving somewhat of the same (more immediate) ends but by different (and far less uncomfortable) means. That’s what Jesus could have done had he simply became master over his own finish line. But, instead of appealing to a personal agenda, He appealed to His Father's agenda—where patience and perseverance could not be avoided. He had to be patient for the events to unfold that needed to unfold on behalf of our welfare, and, He needed to persevere more than we could ever imagine doing so. Added to that, before reappearing to the masses, He even had to suffer the temporary judgment and disappointment from those who loved him while they considered he’d perhaps failed his mission!

Of course, Jesus, being perfect, and our example of perfection, did not falter. Not once. But I sure do. I falter every day when my expectations of life seem to collide with the will of My Father. After all, He tells me that the importance of my life is not about my arriving at all my finish lines, but about Him continuing the good works which He began in me, even after He calls me home. So, really, the only race I’m running is the one of patience and perseverance, not perfection! Everything else is simply distracting me while I run.

TB

There’s a commercial I heard decades ago that still rings in my head. Surprising; it had to do with motherhood and the message made it past my pre-motherhood, pre-marriage, brain. It went something like this: “How much does the world weigh? (A pause follows so you ponder just how much the world does weigh? Does it weigh anythingfloating around in space?? Do they mean in an atmosphere or without one? What kind of trick questions is this??)Then, it follows with the answer. “Just ask a single mother.”

Thankfully, I’m not single. I’ve had short glimpses of single-hood when R has been out of town. I’ve also considered it as a viable option during particularly brief hard times in our marriage. That being said, I can’t imagine a harder scenario than meeting all the needs of my children alone…except for one.

Meeting the needs of a child with learning difficulties; nowthat’s not for the weak-hearted. If heart ache, confrontation, late nights, and helpless feelings are not your forte, don’t ‘apply within’.

However, this motherhood job is not one we get to weigh out the pros and cons, strengths and weaknesses, beforehand, like interviewing for any other job. In a blink, we find ourselves“lifers” in the position—in it for the long-haul. And sometimes it feels like an endless haul, thousands of miles, on foot, uphill, the load resting squarely on our shoulders.

And it’s not the child that makes the burden heavy. They’re success, they’re happiness is our sweet relief, our rest stops…our reason we take the trip in first place. Dear God, how much we love those kids ….and question what You were thinking by giving them to us! The back breaking burden is in the relentless need to be a liaison between the needs of the child and to the world that influences our child’s future. Therein lays the nail biting, lip chewing, sometimes red-faced vein-popping response we experience as we hoist up our daily Rock of Gibraltar and move on. Because if we don’t, who will?

Today is one of these days for me. My heart stretched between gratitude and frustration. Gratitude because I’m thankful for the people in my children’s’ lives; frustration because those same caring people sometimes don’t realize where the holes are in my child’s abilities, and for whatever differing reason—sometimes knowledge, sometimes exhaustion, sometimes pride—they don’t want to, or can’t, fill in those holes. For example; teachers, knowing that they work awfully hard spreading that thin layer of themselves to reach the farthest corners they possibly can (again, thank God for caring teachers) but, in the end, what matters most is the child’s view of himself, and how he fits in the world around him.

Despite having a ton of compassion for others, I’m his mom. He’s young, they are adults. And as much as I want to dismiss, back-off, and gloss over for the sake of their very real needs and time constraints, the one that has to count the most-and the one for whom God gave me responsibility- is my child.

Sometimes bearing the responsibility of  these additional needs truly feels like the weight of the world. I'm sure many moms would respond in the like.

Yet, if I knew I alone was responsible for the outcome of my child’s future, this trip we take through life would, indeed, be a desperate one at best. Thankfully, it isn’t. Moms out there: the world is about to get a little lighter!

Keep in mind we were all once kids, ourselves. Many of us had –and  continue to have -- our own set of struggles. Yet, we find ourselves here; reading, comprehending, and raising children of our own. We had our own set of obstacles, or own set of challenges, our own set of influences- in school and outside of school, in our families and outside our homes-that got us to this moment where we now worry about those in our charge. So, here is a list I have packed somewhere in my brain; I pull it out when I think the world is getting just a bit too heavy and the road a bit too long…

1)     Our lives weren't accidents. We aren't some “phoenix rising from the ashes” of childhood due to just our own capabilites. Some coincidences or Someone must have had a hand in getting us here despite ourselves and often despite others. Since I believe there is too much coincidence in coincidence, I have to believe that leaves only the Someone. (Psalm 37:25--in fact, just read the whole thing! and Proverbs 16:2-3)

2) There are bigger lessons in life than Math, Literature, and learning a second language. It’s a lesson only the Lesson Planner fully understands, and He only gives the right ones—no busy work from Him! That goes for His plan for me AS WELL as His plan for my child. After all, my child is a giftfrom Him. He blessed me with him, but in the end, he’s His. Just as my child’s learning difficulties are in His plan, so are the answers. Plus, He not only takes my load and gives me His, His is lighter. (Matthew 11:29-30, Romans 8:16 Psalm 127:3)

3) God’s end result for my son is something wonderful. Just as seasons in life can be like seasons in a year, sometimes that rain falls awfully hard and in volume, but eventually, there are beautiful flowers and healthy trees to come. Not to belabor analogies, but just as the road can be long and sometimes painful, there’s so much beautiful scenery we not only get to see, but get to know intimately as we linger there for a while. And, you never know who might benefit later from directions you are able to give. Just as a shower, cool drink, and a chance to take a load off after a long trek feels so good to the body, so does knowing there’s a higher purpose—meant for good—feel good to the soul. (Jeremiah 29:11, Proverbs 16)

Hang in there, moms. You are NOT traveling alone, and the world is NOT yours to carry…this coming from someone down the road and up-ahead just a bit.

TB

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”

Each time I read this quote from Oscar Wilde, I have to chuckle a little more at it's honesty. I can't count how many times I've compared myself to other women whom I know, and even more pointlessly, to those I don't know. So many times I end up falsely labeling myself as "not as good as" or with a mistaken sense of superiority thinking I'm "better as",  as in, "At least my house is cleaner, ...my kids are better, ...my marriage is closer," etc.. (C'mon, isn't that why there's such success in Reality T.V? We all like to seek out reassurance that we have it all together---at least more than _________.) 

This works fine, until we come across someone else whom we seriously consider must be doing a better job than we are because, to use the above examples, her house seems cleaner, her kids happier, her marriage problem-free...blah-blah-blah.

What a crock.

Yep. That's what I meant.

The fact is, any moment in time is just that. Life is fluid, so are people. Therefore, one minute things may be coming up roses for someone and maybe their home is more organized, maybe they are enjoying a time of peace with their kids, and maybe they've achieved a place of security in their marriage! At least, for right now. Current success does not secure a problem-free future. Not that we'd ever want to glory in someone's disappointment, but this is life, folks, and it applies to all of us! Rain falls on all of us.

However, just as their success doesn't necessarily proclaim their prowess, nor does it magnify our weaknessess. Unless we let it.

There is such peace in living a transparent life; not trying to assume a persona that attempts to convince others we have it all together. Whether we are at a rare place where it all just seems to flow right, or whether we are in times of turbulence, not only is it peaceful to just "be" where we're at, but also to know other women in our lives are not assigning judgment to where they see us at.

How would the culture of women change if we all attempted to connect to the soul of other women; the internal workings that we all have in common; the basic needs of humanity we all share? In other words, giving each other the benefit of the doubt; the gift of grace over the gavel of judgement.

This, of course, can only begin when we break that chain and stop assigning judgement to their lives. To rephrase; if there's to be change, let it begin with me.

I am blessed for knowing a core of women who share this philosophy of grace vs judgement. What a blessing they are because it allows us the freedom to be ourselves.

And incredibly, how ironic it is that often in the freedom of being ourselves, we actually do begin a process of improvement; becoming more self confident, more positive, more industrious. These traits do influence other positive situations in our lives.

Blessings in this New Year. May it bring us all closer to the person God has in mind.
TB